CLINTON VIRUS: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS : Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS : Their is sumthing rong with yor compueter, ewe just can't figyour out watt.

GALLUP VIRUS : Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error). =>

PAUL REVERE VIRUS : This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS : Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS : Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS : Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS : It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS : Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS : Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

THE MCI VIRUS : Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

TED TURNER VIRUS : Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS : Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS : Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine